JUST...ONE...MORE...DAY

 Hi. My name is Johnathan.

I've had breakfast, it's almost in the afternoon, and I'm in my pajamas, as people are trying to communicate with me but I've been very odd of late, in how I answer my phone. Yes, I'm an adult before you start asking.

At the time I'm writing this, I honestly don't know what's puzzling inside my head. 

I'm just in bed.

At the start of the day, I did everything I could and should do. Then I suddenly went to bed and felt like I can't do anything.

Ever since I was kid, I felt like I was never a normal person. Where this came from, I don't really know, but it's always been singing at the back of my head that nothing about me was ever normal.

It's funny how that's where things kick off as I'm telling you this.

But yeah, I wasn't the A student or the academic. I just survived. The other stuff was a flurry of a lot of accidents and experimentation.

I interacted with everyone but I always felt alone. Like I suddenly was left somewhere to walk on my own. Things seemed normal for everyone except myself. Why did so and so, seem so in line with what society had going on? Why do I always have to fight with the currents? So out of place and so out of order. I told myself as I watched as people's lives passed by and thought back to who had it "good" as I looked at the ceiling.

"You're so weird". I would always glanced after hearing that statement from a lot of the people I interacted with. Like I'd seen the sun, rise and set, on a perfect and normal day. Then their laughs came in, shortly after, as I looked away and they walked on talking and gossiping.

Back to present day, I'm still in my bed. Today doesn't look like a day, I'll be "productive" as the working world calls it. Another day to make those who I've failed and myself, sink further into a lot more chatter about the state I've been in.

I don't think I've made anyone or myself proud. I knew I was out of place from the ordinary even when I somewhat pulled the confidence to do something "magical". I stood around people that I know I shouldn't have been around coz it was only just a shot of brilliance that made people think I had potential to succeed.

So much they tell you to do but you know deep down that your just simply trying to make things work and you're a knock off version of Houdini from this trap you've placed yourself in.

And it continues. Promise and then utter disappointment. They never really tell you but from the scuffle in their voice, from the distance they make in communication, and attempts to salvage the brilliance you showed them, even knowing in reality that "you never really matched up" conclusion is floating in their head until you really reach rock bottom.

What do I really have to give society? I should be working as they say, earning money, travelling the world, starting a family and finishing ink on headlines. But here I am, in my bed, deflating in my hope every second, not knowing I'll make it to tomorrow.

"What can such a person do for you?" 

"Sis, you can't date such a man, you deserve better" 

"Ah that guy, is useless, I don't think, I can chill with him anymore" 

"Bro, you still talk to that guy? For what?" 

"You think that boyfriend yours can do anything for you? Leave him, and be with me I know you want to or just a matter of time until you come looking" 

"So this husband of yours, it's the same story everyday? I know so many other better options, sis"

"HR would like to see you"

The words, I've heard almost countless of times of others, who are in my shoes, but I'm an incognito person hiding my side jut trying to learn whether I'm alone or others are there.

What's the point I try to ask myself? I mean, to keep trying to see more that I could become? I look back at the memories I had with some of my mates. They haven't seen this side of me. I know we're in our own lives now, but what will they say and feel when they know we won't share another drink? That joke we had? Another phone call? Celebrating milestones?

Likewise with some of my family members.

I just truly ask myself what the point is when I'm here in bed, trying to make it past another day. In a weird way, I feel I'm just buying time until this finally ends for good. Each time, I try, I see those memories flash past my eyes. What about all those people I've come a long way with? I feel like I should text them coz I don't know when could be my last.

I try at times.

To keep everything from collapsing on me. In what way, shape or form should I ask for help? I'm sinking but I'm trying to keep things a float because everyone else will jump out of their seats and add pressure to them.

Should I let this just engulf me? It all ends and no one ever knows? I mean, it's scary to think about but why would anyone want to know?

Maybe I may never be remembered. Never make a peace for anyone to lay on. I never knew what the purpose on earth was after this revelations to myself, maybe they'll finish it for me.

The only people who hear these things are the trusted four walls I work to at least be under a roof and with lights in my house and the pilled up clothes and utensils that sit silently when I have these thoughts.

Sometimes, in this space, that we've created with them, we always just wish for one more day.