THE TRUTHS OF HIS MIND AND HER MIND: UNWRAPPING THE MYTHS AND MISCONCEPTIONS OF MENTAL HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS

If everything about your partner was laid out for you. How much information, would you both know about between each other?

How much truth did you think they gave you when you first met?

From the day they met, they had romantic getaways, lavish housing and cars, dinners at luxurious restaurants and whatever their fortune could imagine. Ted and Cindy, planned about the future, dreamt in the night sky and captured moments and memories.

As much as they grew close, at times, Ted could never wonder why Cindy always had her first aid kit in her bathroom often restocked yet, she wasn’t hurt often. “Ah! Ted, all these clothes are just to feel prettier and I’m always cautious of the first aid kit items expiry dates” she always said. “But I already find you beautiful and you don’t seem physically different to need a first aid kit often?” Ted always asked.

Likewise, Cindy could never always wonder why Ted, seemed to never want to talk about his childhood and family, and ended up taking a night out drinking after she asked. “I won’t be young forever, I have to live it out, besides, we have fun, right?” Tom always said.

For the moment, everything felt safe. Stable. Unshakable. They both felt they had controlled enough of everything in their personal lives for the life and love they had to keep existing.

Until, some small health matters began to arise, prompting a suggested short trip, by their physician, to the hospital for a health check-up.

“I’ll go in alone” Cindy said. “What? Why?” Ted asked. “Don’t worry! We aren’t even married!” Cindy said. Ted was caught in a silence.

“Oh, sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean it!” Cindy said, rushing to hold Ted’s hand. They walked in silence, until they got to the doctor’s door. “Go” Ted said. “Uhm, we can still…” Cindy said.

After each seeing the doctor privately, they were on their way home. The silence engulfed the car’s interior with the radio and humming of the engine, attempting to break it. Each of them, holding their results in hand.

“So how was it?” Ted asked. “I didn’t mean what I said, at the hospital. I’m sorry.” Cindy said.

Ted kept quiet and focused on the road. “Are you not going to acknowledge, I said, sorry?” Cindy asked. The silence continued for a bit more. “Well, why don’t we talk about your drinking when I ask about getting to know your childhood and family?” Cindy asked.

Ted squinted and clenched firmly onto the steering wheel but kept quiet and removed a small bottle of whiskey and took a sip.

“Even in the car? Gosh Ted! It’s always the alcohol, huh?” Cindy said.

“It’s always the razor, huh?” Ted said.

“What?!” Cindy said.

Ted kept quiet and took another sip of his whiskey as they drove.  They hit a bump on the road as Ted loses concentration. Their results fall from their hands. Cindy tries to stretch for both of them, as her long sleeved top rides up her arm.

“Are those scars?” Ted asked

“Huh?! What do you mean?” Cindy asks, quickly covering a freshly opened cut.

Her blood smeared across the seats and she mistakenly grabbed Ted’s results, as she tried to hide it, thinking it was hers.

“Cirrhosis?” Cindy asked

At this stage, would you be willing to tell the truth if you were Ted or Cindy? Have you ever had to lie about yourself to be loved?

Within our relationships, many at times, we long for the perfect picture to our partners, as well as ourselves. Any crack in ourselves could spell a danger for whether or not, we are appealing to our partner.

This therefore, brings a lot of myth and misconceptions about the flaws we carry and whether or not we are worthy to be loved. Just as much as we want to be perfect, we also wish that we would be understood for our flaws.

Myths and misconceptions of mental health and relationships

In our forming of relationships, among the issues that bring conflict in terms whether our partners are suitable for us, involves their mental health.

It is often said, our partners have to be good for our mental health and likewise, we aren’t ready for a relationship if our mental health is having problems.

Therefore, how far do we have to be fairly mentally healthy, to be loved? Or what does healthy love look like?

In this mix, we have various stereotypes, societal and cultural norms that have been placed in regards to what love can be or what kind of love is accepted. Some of the common myths and misconceptions of heteronormative relationships include:

Mental health issues are a sign of weakness: This often discourages the aspect of seeking understanding between partners, as well as refusal to seek help. In a major stereotype, this affects both genders in different ways.

Men, who may have mental health issues, are seen as incapable and unworthy, due to the societal expectation of men having to be the strongholds of a relationships and home. Women, with mental health issues, may be assumed to be dramatic and loud, as they are emotional beings and have extremes in expression.

Therefore, this myth undermines the ability for people to receive the affection they wish for by their current or potential partners.

A partner’s mental health issue is their complete sole responsibility: It is often assumed that each partner should solve their own mental health issues, for the wellness of their relationship.

As much as it is important to take personal responsibility, and some mental health issues may be severe for a partner to help, it is equally important to realize that partners must also look to giving company and seeking understanding of a partner’s mental health condition to adequately make decisions around their life and handling the issue.

Men may be overcome by the societal expectation to handle everything on their own, and be strong and be embarrassed or shy for voicing deep concerns when they are confused and lost in trying to solve their problems. Likewise, women may also be seen to have societal expectation to carry the emotional matters alone, as they are more empathetic and emotionally attuned, despite undergoing crushing weight of confusion, exhaustion or irritation.

Loneliness and isolation contribute to mental health issues getting more severe. Therefore, it is important to communicate and seek understanding of mental health conditions of either partner.

A partner is not right for you if they have a mental health issue: This stereotype, places unrealistic expectations for potential partners and also places a lot of pressure for partners to be appealing for their partner which could force them to feel fearful of sharing their deepest selves with partners in anticipation of rejection or break ups.

Mental health issues aren’t chosen by partners and can arise in anyone’s life like a common cold or flu. It isn’t their decision to become diagnosed with a mental health issue.

Despite a partner having a mental health issue, through adequate communication, understanding and education of the mental health issues, it is possible to see a partner or potential partner for who they actually are, despite their mental health issue.

 

Therapy and counselling for relationships is a sign it is not meant to work: This myth often discourages couples from seeking help for their problems collectively or individually should only one partner be undergoing a mental health issue. Men, are often stigmatized as being weak for seeking or going to therapy, as they should be emotionally strong at every time and often neglect this approach to solving mental health issues in a relationship, which could deepen severe mental health issues.

Furthermore, counselling and therapy is generally stigmatized as something for people who have gone mad or have deep and serious psychological problem. Women can also be stigmatized as overly emotional, dramatic or bizarre if they are seeking counselling or therapy in their relationships

Sometimes mental health issues within a couple are beyond the partners knowledge and it is important to seek perspectives from mental health professionals to guide them through important decisions and phases of their life that could affect their relationship. Being able to seek solutions collectively, helps improve partnership and togetherness through challenges in a relationship.

Love alone can “fix” mental health problems in relationships: As much as our partners have a significant place in our lives, this myth is harmful, because, it often discourages couples who experience mental health issues to seek proper and adequate treatment and unfortunately encourage the idea that the presence of a partner is enough to turn around a partner’s mental health and which proves undying love.

The negative effects this myth can cause, involve, discouraging a partner living with a mental health condition, to be understood and can be seen as not being able to love someone. Furthermore, it can cause neglect to severe issues that have to be attended to, and lead to bad outcomes in terms of handling a mental health issue and consequently the future of the relationship.

 

Mental health conditions are issues that affect our thinking, emotions and behavior, and are caused by traumatic experiences, genetics and our environment, not the presence or absence of a lover. This means that it is important for couples to be educated and informed about the mental health conditions and methods of treatment to ensure the help and recovery of either partner and ensure a proper functioning and understanding between partners.

Conclusion

As much as relationships are places where we seek happiness and fulfilment with someone who is able to validate and empower us, it is important to realize that as human beings we are not perfect and we often have flaws.

The conflicting perceptions of love and relationships, and the perceptions of mental health issues, often cause a clash of perspectives and it is important for couples to be educated and informed about the impacts of their activities on their mental health as well as the impact of their respective mental health conditions can have on their relationship.

Within the education of mental health in relationships for couples, it is important for each partner to respect the various ways in which, the mental health of each gender in heteronormative relationships, can be affected in relationships. This helps foster understanding of each other, beyond gender stereotypes and facilitate a healthier coexistence of partners in a relationship.

 

References

https://www.nami.org/family-member-caregivers/5-myths-were-taught-about-relationships/

https://diversushealth.org/mental-health-blog/how-mental-illness-may-affect-relationships/

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/relationships-family-and-mental-health

https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/relationship-myths/